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The Question
Four years ago I met a girl that would eventually become a very important person in my life. Over time, I developed a sort of school boy's crush on her. Well, I asked her out and she told me that she was afraid of hurting me and ruining our friendship so she turned me down.
We both struggled with addiction the whole time we knew each other, freshman year throughout the end of high school. Towards the end of high school, we grew apart and she slowly began getting her life straight. She was getting ready for college and I was in another rehab facility.
Months later, I received a call from her. We began talking again and several pleasant weeks later, I brought up the subject of us dating and she finally said yes! Better yet, she confessed to "always being in love with me." I was happy beyond belief because I've been chasing her for the past three years. We dated for about four weeks until I broke it off due to me having unresolved personal issues, I was diagnosed with PTSD in rehab and was having rough flash backs after doing intensive therapy.
In the past year, we have talked about the possibility of us being a couple again and she tells me that she's worried that we've grown apart and that she doesn't want to hurt me. I've never been crazier about a girl. Please, help me.
Question From Ryan in Illinois
(Above are just pieces of Ryan’s full question)
The Answer
Mark, all I can say is wow! My heart is reaching out to you and I wish I could give you a big hug because I know you need it. Where do I start? Well, I'm not a pro with addictive personalities, but it seems to me that just like you found an uncontrollable pull to your additions, I think this girl has an uncontrollable pull on you, and in her own way, has become an addiction to you as well. What probably draws you to her and in some aspects, draws her to you, is the common baggage and/or demons that you share. Being drawn to someone that you have something in common with, is only natural so don’t worry about that sweetie.
What’s kind of telling is in the details of your story, 3 years ago and what I believe is recently, she mentioned twice that part of the reason why she doesn’t want to get involved is because she doesn’t want to hurt you. I take that as a woman that knows herself pretty well and she probably knows that she is pretty messed up inside and isn’t capable of having a successful loving relationship. Her failed relationships in college may be another indicator of this.
It seems as though the girl has had a very abusive past and really doesn't know what she wants. She may not know how to love properly or she may even believe that she doesn’t deserve love. The back and forth aspect that you’re experiencing with her may possibly be mirroring the same abusive relationship she had at one point. I'm sure she really does care for you and because of this fact, she doesn't want to hurt you.
The sad part for you is that I think she uses you out of convenience when she needs
a sounding board or emotional support. She may not be able to gain enough trust with
the other guys she dates, so she comes back to you because the two of you have trust
established and common backgrounds. I don't think she does this intentionally or
to hurt you, but she may do this because you’re her safety net. She knows you will
ALWAYS be there no matter what and I’m sure at some point in time, you’ve made that
clear to her.
In the end, I’m sure this is a frustrating situation for the both of
you because it seems that you both use one another for a crutch or to fill an addiction.
I believe you may be soul mates, but maybe not the type that gets married or even
has a successful dating relationship. You understand one another's pasts, but in
a lot of ways you are like oil and water. You try to blend but you always meet resistance.
In the four plus years that you’ve been chasing her, you’ve only committed to each
other for 1 month and during that time, you didn’t even see each other. Please know
that I do understand that things ended for unfortunate reasons.
Sweetie, here’s my advice.
- Focus on your “friendship” with her because I think it’s something special. She knows how you feel so there’s no reason to tell her any more. If there is a day that she finds herself as well as a love for you, then it will happen and you will be there to accept it because you remained in her life.
- Please know that relationships can’t be forced. They happen naturally and without pressure. You both have a lot to recover from so make sure that you’re getting yourself together. Women love men that have their lives together. It sounds like her attempt at college is her way of working towards turning things around. Make sure that you’re doing the same but in your own way.
- I know this is the last thing you want to hear but you should be open to dating someone new. It doesn’t have to turn into the love of your life but I think you need to experience what other women can offer. We all have something special that we can offer you. The next woman won’t be the same as this girl but she may possibly offer you something better. You just have to be open to it.
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