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The Question
So, there is a girl (Lets call her Betty) and I like her. A few weeks ago we were at a beach party and we got very close to one another. Since then we've been going out places, talking to each other more, and spending time with each other. She came out and told me she liked me but thought that I may have had a problem with the age difference (I am 20, she is 25). I told her we are both adults and at this point in our lives, 5 years isn't going to be a problem.
Sounds good, but while we hang out there is a lot of physical signs like holding
my hand, sleeping on my shoulders and little things of that nature, but she also
slips in those mind games like telling me, "Don't ever fall in love", "I hate guys"
or "I don't want a relationship ever again" things like that in a joking tone (When
she says it she smiles and laughs). But I just brush those aside as mind games and
she is trying to test me. They are red flags in my mind. Is that normal?
Now, we get
to the main part. So I ran into an old spark (Lets call her Jill) and she told me
she was seeing someone and blah blah and asked me how my love life was. I told her
very vaguely about the girl. She figured out who it was since we were all co-workers.
I trusted her enough so I told her a brief story about my situation in hopes she'd
help me out a bit to figure "Betty" out.
To my shagrin, Betty texted me, "I just talked
to Jill :)". At that point, it was obvious that Jill had told her everything I said,
I just played it down. So Jill texted me today telling me, "I got bad news for you.
You and your girl aren't on the same page. She likes you but thinks you’re too young
and she would rather stay tight friends." Keep in mind that Jill and Betty aren't
friends and just know each other from work. As well, they haven't talked for months
before this encounter. Betty didn't know Jill and I were friends before Jill most
likely spilled the beans.
Without extending this already long essay, something just
doesn't click with Jill's story, why would Betty randomly tell me she ran into Jill
and be happy about it? Why would Betty have tell Jill she has a problem with age
but tell me that she is happy that I don't mind the age difference? Why are we acting
like we're in high school? I am so lost....
Question From Mo in Ontario
The Answer
Without knowing anything about Betty or Jill other than the background information supplied, it’s pretty easy to determine that someone isn’t telling the full truth here. But the wonderful thing about your situation is that it has a pretty easy solution. But we’ll get to that in a bit.
First, I will say that Betty “may” not be worth the trouble. It sounds like you are
identifying one red flag after another in your relationship. Red flags whether normal
or not, are not healthy and will inevitably cause you to have a perpetual headache.
The positive points about your relationship with Betty sound like they come a dime-a-dozen.
Regarding Jill, it sounds like she made you question how well you can trust her.
You confided in Jill with the expectation that she would serve as an ear to listen,
not become a proactive player in the situation and further complicate things. With
that being said, I would keep a safe distance from Jill (emotionally) and gently
have a heart to heart with Betty.
It's important that you follow these actions with
tact and grace since the three of you are co-workers. First, when speaking with Betty,
sincerely apologize for discussing your relationship with Jill. Next, emphasize the
qualities you recognize and appreciate in her. Then gently lead into a transition
conversation regarding your relationship. Do you see the solution yet? Well here
it comes! Most problems and most concerns can be resolved through communication between
person A and person B. I hate that I’m using this but person C, (Jill) can see her
way out of this, so you and Betty can focus on getting on the same page.
Any conversation that is going to make or break your relationship should be approached gently. Simply remind her of her previous statements regarding your age difference and then let her know that those statements do not match up with what you’ve heard from Jill. Tell her that she can be completely honest with you and regardless of the outcome, the two of you will remain friends.
Simple as that! She’ll have an answer for you but wether you like it or not is yet to be determined. Don’t worry too much about it because it’s possible that her decision will be in your favor.
Good luck! I wish you the best. Remember, grace, tact, and gentle sincerity will make for a better outcome for everyone involved.
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