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“Love is confusing! Love makes you not want the day to end but at the same time it makes you look forward to tomorrow.” ~ Tramaine Cavil
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Divorce:
How to Tell The Children
By
Tramaine Cavil
I can’t think of a more difficult conversation that you’ll have in life than telling your children that their mom and dad are getting a divorce. Family is all they have known since the day they were born. They are certain that mom will be there in the morning to wake them up to help them get ready for school and they know that dad will always come home from work happy to see them and greet them with a big hug and a kiss. Breaking this routine and the many others that were created in your family will not only be hard breaking for you, but especially heart breaking for your children.
There’s no clear cut way of telling your kids that you’re getting a divorce because regardless of how you do it, they will be extremely hurt and confused. But one thing that is extremely important is that you do it together, and that no blame is placed. It’s essential for your kids to know that it’s a decision that the two of you have made collectively and that you both agree, it’s the best thing to do. Telling your children individually, can and will put them in a situation where they will want to place blame on themselves, you, or your spouse. This may happen regardless of how you tell them but telling them together, reduces the chance.
Here are some additional tips on how to tell your children you’re getting a divorce.
- First and foremost, be ABSOLUTELY sure that the divorce is going to happen and that there is no wavering to the decision. Divorce is not something to throw around freely especially when you’re children are going to be made aware of it. You have to be 100% certain!
- Make sure that you schedule the day that you tell your children you’re getting divorced. Make sure that it’s a day that nothing else is going on and there’s nothing else to worry about or do. Preferably a non-school day or even better the start of a weekend. If there’s a block of days that are completely free, it’s better to schedule it for that time frame. You’re children are about to go through a traumatic time and they will need lots of time to “begin” to digest what’s happening.
- Whoever is the head of the household and is the most respected in the home should be the person that starts the conversation even though both parents should participate in the discussion. This will help the children understand the important and finality of the decision.
- Make sure that they are absolutely aware that the decision had nothing to do with them. Children will sometimes naturally place blame on themselves for a divorce. You have to ensure them that this is a relationship/marriage decision that pertains to only you and your spouse.
- Spare all the specifics and the details. The children may ask you questions and ask you, “why” but they only need to know that it is a mutual decision that they two of you have made. Providing too many details will put the kids in a position to place the blame on one of you.
- Know that this isn’t the last conversation but the beginning of many more discussions with them. Don’t ever get frustrated with their repeated questions. There world has been shocked and rearranged and they are just seeking to understand it all. Be patient with them because the questions won’t stop until they fully grasp what’s happening.
- Tell them what they should expect going forward. You just dropped the bomb on them so it’s extremely important that they have information that will relieve them just a little. Knowing that they will see the parent that’s moving out often or on the weekends will take a tiny bit of the fear away. Any positive news that you can provide them is required during this time.
Don’t allow fear to allow you to put this conversation off too long. Like it or not, it’s a conversation that you’re going to have so you might as well have it sooner rather than later. It gives the children more time to adjust and have the necessary follow up conversations that they will need to have while both parents are in the house. There are no winners in this one, so stop racking your brain for the best way to tell them. Just follow our tips and follow through.
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Article Summary
Divorce is hard for everyone but it’s especially hard for the children. Read our marriage advice to help you with the process of telling your children you’re getting divorced.
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