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“Love is confusing! Love makes you not want the day to end but at the same time it makes you look forward to tomorrow.”  ~ Tramaine Cavil

Divorced &

Dating Again!

When to Get the Kids Involved

By

Tramaine Cavil

Transition from the married life to the single life is a difficult task on its own but when you have children involved the challenges ahead are a bit trickier.  One of those tricky obstacles will suddenly appear when you finally make yourself open to the idea of dating someone new.  The end of your marriage has taken its toll on you but through it all you’ve persevered and made it through the heavy storm.  Your mind and your heart have healed from their wounds and you’ve brushed off the rest of the ashes from your dead marriage.  It’s time! You’re finally ready to move on with your life……But Wait!  Just because you’re ready to move on, it doesn’t mean that your kids are ready for you to be with someone new.

This is a very difficult situation to handle and in a lot of cases it’s a no win situation.  Children are very in tune with how they were brought up.  When the only images that they’ve seen since birth are you and your spouse together, it’s going to be extremely difficult for them to see you with someone new.  This is very important for you to understand because when you meet resistance with it whether it be directly or indirectly, you must place yourself in their shoes and simply understand where they are coming from.  Don’t allow guilt to determine if you have an adult relationship because it’s healthy for you and if it materializes into a healthy relationship, it will be healthy for them…down the line.

Here are a few tips when dating after a divorce and kids are involved.

Let the Wounds Heal

Just because you’ve had your mind wrapped around the divorce two years prior to it actually happening doesn’t mean that it’s alright for you to start dating three weeks after the divorce. This isn’t just a divorce of man and wife but a divorce/separation of a family.  Your mind and heart may have gone through the entire process and healed by now but there are still some people still devastated by what’s just happened.  Give your children ample time to adjust before you put more on their plate to adjust to. Remember, at this point, they’re probably still hoping that you will eventually get back together.

Know Your Children & Proceed Accordingly

I believe honesty is the best policy when it’s an available option.  Even though divorce is difficult for most children, it’s handled in different ways depending on the individual.  Some kids will have a hard time with it but understand that these things happen and that parents eventually date again. Some kids will have a hard time with it and struggle through it all with difficulty but with your assistance, manage their way through the process of you dating again.  Then there’s some kids that will have a terrible time with it, won’t understand it, will fight it tooth and nail, and the last thing they want to see is you spending time with someone new.  

With the first two types of kids, be honest with them.  Let them know what’s going on, especially if things start to get a little serious with the person you’re dating.  It’s always good to forewarn children of what may be coming instead of having a strange person show up one day and you’re introducing them as your girlfriend or boyfriend.  For the kids that are fighting the divorce tooth and nail, now is not the right time to place more confusion, anger, and frustration into their lives.  If you decide to date someone new, keep it under wraps from your children and hope that they come around down the road so that you can eventually have that honest conversation.  Regardless of the situation, in their eyes this new man or woman is trying to replace their mom dad and they’re not going to like it. But when appropriate, have the necessary conversations and help them through the process.

Stability Equals Introductions

The scary part is initial introduction between the new special someone and the kids.  A good rule of thumb is waiting until you are stable in your relationship and are confident that you may have a future with this new person before you introduce them to your kids.  Your children are used to the consistent environment that you and your ex-spouse created and you don’t want to create an erratic environment by introducing them to every first date that you come across.

Your job for this initial introduction and for the upcoming interactions is to see and analyze how your children are adjusting to the person you’re dating and how they’re adjusting to your children. It’s a 2 ways street and you have to make sure that your date is going to be a good fit for the children and that you’re assisting the children through the process of getting familiar with another adult role model in the home.

One thing to remember is that this is going to be a process.  Your children may resent this new person because in their eyes he or she is invading their home and their family.  This will take a period of time for them to adapt to but with your assistance and the assistance from your ex-spouse, you will get through the tough times.  Good luck!
 

LoveFlu.com : Marriage & Divorce : Tips and Advice : Divorce - Divorced & Dating Again: When to Get the Kids Involved

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Article Summary

The divorce took a toll on the kids so when it comes to your personal life, you have to walk gently. Read our advice to help you know when and how to tell the kids you’re dating again.

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